Published in TimeofIndia 

A  survey says women find that mama's boys make ideal husbands. Are they spot on?

A mother's towering presence in a man's life is usually seen as a turnoff for women looking for Mr Right. Most women want to be the sole priority in their partner's life. However, a recent survey conducted by a matrimonial website revealed that 72 per cent of the 24,000 Indian women questioned rated actor Ranbir Kapoor as the 'ideal husband' even as they termed him a 'mama's boy'.

Ranbir's mother, actor Neetu Singh, has often been said to have great influence in his life. Not just does the 30-year-old actor continue living at his parents' home at Pali Hill, Bandra, but Singh, it is believed, is quite vocal about her opinion of Ranbir's girlfriends. This doesn't seem to have affected their relationship. The two even performed together at a recent awards ceremony, with Ranbir grooving to popular songs from Neetu's films. However, does that really make Ranbir a mama's boy?

Consulting psychologist and family therapist at Jaslok Hospital and Bhatia Hospital, Dr Maya Kirpalani, says a typical mama's boy is someone who allows his mother to influence all the decisions in his life — where he goes for a vacation, whom he dates and even what he wears. While it may be easy to categorise Ranbir as man who knows his mother's heart, it's unlikely that the women surveyed would have said the same about Salman Khan, who is equally close to his mother, Salma. "That may be because Salman is known to take his own decisions," adds Kirpalani.

Counselling psychologist Deepak Kashyap warns that the women surveyed were identifying only with values visible on the surface. Kashyap points out, "It's like getting attracted to shiny, white teeth which may give the impression of good health and youth. Women feel a man who treats his mother lovingly, has the ability to understand the feminine perspective." Kashyap says such women will feel that they will have a say in the marriage because her partner will listen to her.

Women understand that a mother is an important figure in a man's life and thus, observing the nature of that relationship is a very important factor in deciding whether the man is 'marriage material'. Of those surveyed, 62 per cent said 'mama's boys' would make nurturing and patient husbands because they were brought up well.

Twenty-five-year-old creative writer Meera Sahi says, "If he can't treat his mother well, you can't expect him to treat others kindly. If you have to understand why certain men are the way they are — Hitler or Gandhi — you must go back and see their relationship with the mother."

There's a fine line between healthy and unhealthy dependence, Kirpalani says. "It doesn't help if a man as an adult has to depend on his mother to take all the decisions in his life. It will, obviously, create a major conflict between the wife and the mother-in-law.

"A man has to be strong enough to say 'no' to both his mother and his wife," she adds.

Consider this. Is your man intelligent? Will he stand by you if his mother is against you? Kashyap says women need to find answers to these before they say 'I do'.